DidactDon - Installment 1

Some food for thought.  Yes, my dear friends, an introduction that cheap is not below me.  Don't fret yourselves, though:  there are food comments on the way.  

Another Revolution in Vain? Sometimes, Only the Good Die Young

Worse, too soon...

Now in the main, I first aver:  in concrete terms, political incorrectness does not exist.  You'll just have to trust me for now and follow me for the duration.  I beg your understanding here, my gentle friends:  at this point, I've worked this from top to bottom.  I just completed the bottom to my satisfaction, and I hope yours, too, but my addendum, viz., my assertion that begins this paragraph, would not be denied.  I am now tired, and hungry.  I ask that you now allow me my leave so that I may have a nice meal prepared by my host and then rest.  Thank you in advance.  

As my friends and comrades with on the left side of the ideological line (line, spectrum, line, spectrum... I'm going with line for the sake of my own sanity.  You've got yours, I've got mine.) side know, I occasionally head east, and I ain't talking Taxachusettes.  No, neighbor - I'm going where the Kobe beef's raised.  During my brief stay, I will delight in the slaughter and savor of these dumb, delicious animals, with delectation and delight the reward.  Alas, my M.O., more often than not and for better or worse, is to do something full-on or fuck it, and fuck-it, let's DidactDon full-on.  Giddy-up, friends and fellow travelers.

Those who, like me, align themselves with liberal ideology need to practice self-effacement:  too often too little gets accomplished because we debate, for example, what is is ad nauseum.  In short, the left coined the term politically correct as a means of invocation when they got too wound up in the minutia.  and that they need to quit being wishy-washy.Of course, those whose lean lists right caught wind of it and appropriated the term for themselves; as a result of this revisionism, even Che Guevara, GOD REST HIS IRONIC SOUL, would adopt the phrase.  So, what originated as a tool of self-deprecation for the left has become a pejorative for all of us to abuse.

A humble suggestion:  the next time any of us might be inclined to characterize a disagreeable word, phrase, or idea as politically correct would serve everyone better if we used a more correct term, such as "offensive" or "disagree."  If referring to black people using the vile pejorative we're all familiar with, state you are offended.  If someone, and that someone could be me, states that he doesn't agree with your position that welfare recipients don't get the money until their piss passes muster (haha, you want to pass a law), simply retort that you disagree. 

Also, please be ready to explain yourself or apologize if you say something offensive or disagreeable.  And please understand that I'm not advocating licentiousness just because the terms have changed.  Exercise the discretion that we, as mature adults, should have developed by now.  If you're going to use vile terms with regards to someone's being, use those terms in their proper contexts or self-referentially.  For example, if I refer to myself as "white trash," that's okay, at least according to me.  If another black person refers to a brother or sister using the vile term, that's their business, although that offends me.  Dig it, whitey:  if you witness such an exchange, don't feel like you're robbed of some sort of privilege, because really, the privilege you're asking for is to be just as base and destructive.  Do some finger painting ("and not some finger pointing" - Ba-dumb-PISH!) instead: there's dignity in finger painting.  Or heck, as much beloved and missed institution Marvin Zindler exclaimed before signing of for the weekend, "Have a good weekend - good golf, good tennis, or whatever makes you happy."  Throw in good lovin', dear friends.  

But what the heck:  if calling a minority ugly names gets your rocks off, knock yourself out, but without my blessing.  If you get your rocks knocked off, don't tell them I sent you and Praise the Lord for your new-found infertility.  One hateful bastard is one too many.

Before you're rendered a shell of a man, though, I implore you:  take the advice I delineated above.  Reason your way out, or apologize with everything you've got.  If the former doesn't work, you deserve to have the void replaced with a scented candle colored pink and stinky; if the latter works, you've found redemption, we can all hope, and maybe a friend.  The choice is yours:  a neutering or beers and hugs?  There's options.  

I'm happy to at least entertain dissenting points of view, but I'm booked solid for children's parties.  That's because I'm a riot.   

Chef?

Last night, we needed to sink our teeth into slow-smoked pork spareribs, which we hadn't had in a while due to new-found and acknowledged health concerns. Last night, though, we needed some soul food, real nitty-gritties for the feelin' shitties.  Well last night, we got it, like papa got a great big ol' brand new bag of feelgood.  Let me tell you about it.

A wittier man than I declared that brevity is the soul of wit.  I say get him here pronto so he can tell my dear yet insufferable friend and edit my introduction.  In the interest of... rather, briefly:  I'm wiped.  My friend can get real windy and be a wet, sour blanket.  He means well, but once the flap starts flying, flee the premises, but take your sanity and do so with more dignity.

I'd like to share with you all my adaptation of Goode Company Barbecue's Austin Baked Beans, which better the disconcertingly similar-sounding counterparts of our eggheaded friends to the East (we all know that Austin's where it's at, and that go for beans, too.)  For now, the rib recipe stays close to the chest.  We also ate baked potatoes the size of Manute Bol's right sneaker.  I'm happy to share my potato recipe:  if you can't bake the potato, the potato will inevitably bake you, garnished with sour cream, cheese, chives, and bacon.

As I said, I'd like to share the bean recipe.  I also said I'm wiped.  I assure you, I'll share recipes for all of last night's menu items in due time.  Pictures too.   

And the "b" in BBQ means "brevity, brothers."

Daddy gots to cook/Get the eats on the table.

Shiftless Chef's Tips for Eating Well During One's Stay in a Mental Facility

Potato Side

Expecting to Fly

When people characterize an experience as surreal, I suspect that many don't know what the hell they're talking about.  I think what they're attempting to convey is that they just saw some weird shit, man, something like spotting the anchor of the 5 o'clock news grabbing a sandwich and a Diet Coke at Arby's.  I hope that my understanding of the term is the correct one, for I  believe that no other term suffices to describe succinctly the story I'd like to share with you all.  

In brief, it was the recommendation of the doctor I spoke to at the Houston NeuroPsychiatric Center that I admit myself to a hospital for the sake of my mental health.  It was something I should have done at least a month ago.  Still, one consideration loomed large:  What if I don't like the food?  My neighbor was kind enough to give me his pasta machine a couple of days prior, and I had big dinner plans for my wife and me.  Also, when someone is questioned about a hospital stay, he'll say, invariably, "It was fine, but Christ the food was horrible - I wanted a McDonald's like nobody's business!"  You and I will agree that such a statement does not serve as a ringing endorsement of hospital food.  

Of course, I did not mention this concern to the doctor; instead, I asked, "What is the typical stay?"  The doctor was vague.  Five days probably.  Maybe more.  Could be seven days, ten days even.  Maybe even sixteen.  Probably sixteen tops.  Already wigged out to the max, my brain began playing a shell-game with itself.  The grand prize was five days eating mystery meat in the nuthouse.  I yanked the shell, and the admission process was underway.

Admission was itself a Byzantine affair:  I had to wait for a bed to open at one of three hospitals, and insurance had to be approved.  While waiting, I slept on a plastic mat on the floor along with a number of other unfortunate souls  while the TV blared to keep staff entertained in the common room, which resembled post-World War I Europe.  My wife slept next to me on a hard plastic bench, three thin blankets providing cushioning.  The doctor promised that he would administer enough medicine for me to get to sleep.  He was true to his word, if you'll allow that he administered enough medicine to keep a water buffalo at bay for eight hours.

After a night of sleep the quality of which I hadn't enjoyed in weeks, I woke up to discover that the plastic bench on which my wife slept was empty.  Alone, I didn't want to spend the rest of my wait time sitting around watching morning TV, a distinctly hellish prospect that I was in no shape to deal with.  I asked the nurse on duty for extra medicine, and after taking it, I conked out cold on the plastic bench that had been occupied by my wife.  Several hours later, an Asian gentleman in scrubs was face-to-face with me screaming, "[name changed] Shiftless Chef!  Shiftless Chef!  Time to go to hospital!"  

After sixteen hours, I was admitted.  That's when things started to get, yes, surreal.  Describing the place as "Dickension," a term perhaps abused by now, might do to a point, but I think "grim" captures the essence better.  The hospital itself offers little to recommend it:  little stimuli (cards, old editions of magazines I didn't want to read anyway ripped at the corners, no internet, a television tuned around the clock to sports), a color scheme without name or classification until someone manages to craftily combine "institutional" and "butter," and rooms that resemble those that I imagine one would find in a typhus ward.  

My fellow patients were a sight:  during the duration of my stay, I learned that they consisted of (and I will do my level best to avoid stereotypes) a couple of  schizophrenics, women who suffered all varieties of abuse from the hands and mouths of brutish husbands, a nurse, drug addicts, multiple-time losers, an Asian sorority girl (by the looks of things), the mentally-challenged, teachers, ordinary folks yoked to unbearable existences, and a full-blown psychotic with the bearing of a River Oaks Lovey Howell, a wardrobe that suggested breezy country club badinage about "the help" and the immigrants moving into her neighborhood, and a tongue that wagged effortlessly between prayer and profanity, perhaps at one time a lovely lady now out of luck, now a Republican, God bless her heart.  A man can only do his best.  At this point, I began to question this bright idea.

If I'd based my decision to go to the hospital solely on my first night's meal, a noxious chicken spaghetti Reader's Digest concoction with a side of freezer burnt vegetables, I would have asked for an extra night to consider at home.  If I'd based my decision to go to the hospital solely on the next morning's breakfast, consisting of toast that tasted like it was made with leftover school asbestos and "the Sausage of Unknown Provenance" that made me gag and almost ralph all over the bleach-shined floor, I would have taken my chances with my battered and still-declining psych while eating the fattening food I so dearly love, hoping against hope that extra butter would provide the curative I'd needed all along.  Propitiously, better sense intervened:  I decided I'd eat bananas for the duration of my stay if I had to.

Because I still hadn't spoken to a doctor, I did not enjoy the chief privilege that most of my fellow patients did:  leaving the ward to walk to the cafeteria to eat and then, afterward, smoke.  I plead with staff to please let me at least walk down to the courtyard and have a cigarette because my nerves, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being poison sausage, were wrecked.  The too matter-of-fact response was "no."  I would have to wait for the doctor.  Everyone has to and I'll survive.  This response not inspiring any reassurance.  I immediately dove into bed and cried myself to sleep. 

I was awakened with the news that my doctor arrived.  Dr. B. greeted me by saying that with his arrival, I could exercise my inalienable right to smoke cigarettes.  Initially affronted, I caught on to his wry sense of humor quickly enough.  He's a hell of a doctor who had done his homework concerning my case.  After consulting my binder that contained close to twenty years of medical history, he arrived at a conclusion that no doctor during those years had:  antidepressants may not work for me.  He asked how I felt about taking Ritalin, commonly prescribed for school kids who disrupt class by speaking in tongues.  I knew that Ritalin has the opposite effect on adults; it is, effectively, pharmaceutical-grade speed.  His recommendation seemed reasonable to me.  Out with Cymbalta, in with Ritalin.  I shook hands with Dr. B., thanking him, in earnest, "for the laughs," which I sorely needed.  Dr. B. - It Ain't Just the Cheapskate's Choice anymore.  

Janked up on Ritalin and reunited with my beloved lady nicotine, my outlook changed dramatically.  After more than a day of despair, sorrow, isolation, and long dreamless naps, I began to kibitz with my fellow patients and participate meaningfully in my treatment.  I like to think that I'm a gregarious guy; nonetheless, I can tense up real quick with strangers, especially in strange places, a consequence of social anxiety, courtesy of lifelong insecurity.  Slowly, I worked in a few jokes, which those who were inclined to get laughed at.  I listened to my fellow patients' stories.  For the first time in months, my true self took bloom again.

I think we can all agree that empathy is a quality that we could all use a hell of a lot more of.  The funny thing is that most folks say that they possess this quality.  I contend that a stint in a mental hospital will test the most well-intentioned person.  My stint certainly tested mine.  For the most part, I think I did okay.  I became genuinely interested in my fellow patients and how they got there.  One fellow, to whom I'd become close, had once enjoyed financial success and the accoutrements that accompany it.  He was suddenly and inexplicably stricken with a rather nasty streak of bad luck.  He was left to fend for himself on the street upon his discharge.  When I told him I would give him some clothes I didn't need anymore, his face reddened and he began to weep.  It's never easy to watch a grown man cry, even if you're a grown man who just did it himself.  There are plenty of other stories I could tell, as many as there were patients, I dare say.  Lovey Howell was another matter altogether.  She deserves her own Shiftless Chef column.    

I was discharged shortly after 7 o'clock this past evening.  I could have left a day earlier, such was my progress.  I elected to stay another day.  My decision was rather spontaneous.  I felt better (still, on Ritalin, I vacillate between Robin Williams obnoxiousness and the zen calm of a potato that's done tuned out), but my stay wasn't complete.  I'd spent most of my time napping, entertaining visitors (who were truly a blessing), hanging out with my fellow patients, reading, and smoking.  Still, my stay needed a purpose, and somehow I needed to find it.

A social worker named Mrs. P., who was brand new to the facility, proved to be the answer to my prayers.  Until her arrival, I'd avoided most of the group therapy sessions.  I was of the opinion that I wasn't going to learn anything I wouldn't learn napping or talking to fellow smokers, and the one session I did attend confirmed that.  When Mrs. P. arrived, her presence energized the place.  Knowing little else about her and nothing about the subject matter, I nonetheless felt compelled when she called Monday's first group therapy session.  In truth, I don't remember the subject of that session, but the pure compassion she displayed made a real impression on me.  I was doped to my eyeballs and not of altogether sound mind.  Ordinarily, more sleep would have made an open-and-shut case for itself, and I would be sawing logs before all the session's handouts were issued. 

I opted instead to attend her next session.  Before the session began, I had the opportunity to speak with her at length.  By "at length," I mean the length of an ordinary therapist's one-on-one session.  We talked about the usual stuff that a therapist and patient discuss.   I've seen a few therapists come and go, and I think that qualifies me to say that she's truly special.  Beyond making me feel better, she conveyed to me that life not only has meaning, but also that it also has beauty, and that I have a unique role, and a duty, perhaps, in spreading that beauty.  She's utterly charming, even when she's being crass, which is more often than you'd expect upon meeting her.  She invokes the spiritual, but she doesn't shovel your soul full of chickenshit; indeed, she can be bracingly blunt and doesn't put up with any crap. Summarily, she is an unusually gifted therapist.  After one session, I began to feel a hell of a lot closer to my old self again.

I attended each session she conducted during my stay.  For whatever reason, she dedicated the second session to me.  I don't remember most of its content either, but, feeling emboldened after our one-on-one session, I asked if I could take the floor for a few minutes so that I could tell my fellow patients about my hospital experience.  She obliged me, even after I said there may be some "rough language."  My monologue was mostly impromptu, and I laid myself totally bare.  It's It was through my monologue that I found my purpose in the experience.

That wasn't the highlight, however.  For whatever reason, a couple of the younger patients, both mentally challenged, began following me around.  One of these young men, D., is a sweet kid who's had a home life ripped straight out of the CPS manual.  D. had been there a couple of days, and likely felt much like I did in the beginning:  scared, lonely, and hopeless.  At the beginning of the session, D. asked if he could say a prayer.   Everyone obliged, including Lovey Howell, albeit begrudgingly.   Like many of the details of my stay, most of the content is hazy.  For himself, he prayed for peace, something all decent people want.  What he prayed for next is something I'll never forget.  He prayed, "God, please let us be ourselves."  Those words, tearfully recited by a young man deemed an idiot by no less a person than his own mother, are well worth our consideration, I think.

Perhaps I digress, but "God, please let us be ourselves" beats "Be the change you wish to see in the world" any day of any year on any calendar if you ask me.  The latter is a nice sentiment, nice enough to plaster all over Facebook and any other available space on the Internet.  I've seen the do-gooders for whom this phrase serves as their mantra in action, and they start running the other way at the faintest smell of a poor unfortunate's piss or an earful of Spanish.  It's a hell of a lot easier, not to mention less messy and time-consuming, to slap a nostrum on a  bumper to remind the rest of us of just what swell, caring people they are and what terrible, heartless, broccoli-hating cromags we are.  I don't want these sanctimonious nincompoops around me, and neither should you.  It's also too easy, and pantspeeable-laughable, to misquote Mahatma Gandhi.  Read it and weep, you fucking poseurs:  Falser Words Were Never Spoken.  Pinch your nose, and say the following in the most vainglorious tone you can muster:  "Be the change you wish to see in the world."  When you're finished, punch yourself in the crotch until you turn Chinese.  After that, simply be the person you know you are.  If we all did that, including myself, we'd get a hell of a lot more accomplished.  Hate to break it to you, R. Waldo, but the retard's evolutionary universes ahead of you.  Go fuck yourself until you turn into a trout, and then join the rest of us who give a truly a damn.  We need more good warm bodies for the icky work. 

But don't get me wrong, my dear friends ("My dear friends" is a phrase that Mrs. P. is fond of and uses frequently and with positive effect throughout her sessions.).  I was scared shitless those first minutes, rubbing elbows with crack addicts, schizophrenics, the vacant-faced victims of all manner of abuse, and big dudes with crazy eyes.  What was I, a man of some accomplishment, doing in a place like this?  I was acting like a poseur myself by putting myself on a higher plateau than my fellow patients.  The truth is, I have a lot of what troubles the crack addicts, the schizophrenics, the vacant-faced abuse victims, and the big dude with the crazy eyes who would rip my liver out upon the slightest provocation in me, too.  Somehow, I gained the gift of humility, which begat the gift of true empathy.  Before my stay ended, I began talking to C., a garbage collector who celebrated eight months sobriety from alcohol and cocaine.  N, the schizophrenic, taught me to play gin rummy.  The time passed more quickly, and we had a hell of a lot of fun and a few laughs.  J. had been thrice married to abusive men who forced her into spouse-swapping; to cope, J. began drinking heavily.  Fed up, J. got away from her last husband.  It's my privilege to know this courageous woman.  When you say "dear soul," you're talking about J.  E. is an otherwise ordinary guy who, for whatever reason, decided that he didn't want to live anymore.  He became my roommate during the early hours of Saturday morning as I was conked silly.  His snoring sounds like a chainsaw cutting through an Oldsmobile.  His snoring notwithstanding, E. and I became fast friends.  He offered to take me to an Astro's game.  His treat.  I wish him the very best.

I befriended most of my fellow patients, in fact, before my discharge.  And as I would any of my friends, I tried to make them laugh.  On Sunday evening, a group meeting was called by J., a gruff Tammy Wynette lookalike from Louisiana who complained earlier that when the rules were broken, she took the brunt of the blame.  To be fair, she did seem rather put upon, but her griping got to be too much.  The topic of the meeting was "the rules," which were never verbally enumerated but which we were expected to know nonetheless.  She put each patient on the spot by asking him or her to recite one rule from three different categories.  It was close to bedtime, and most of the patients, sleepy and drug-addled, struggled to come up with answers.  Most, that is, except for me, that is.  J. looked at me and said, "Okay, tell me one rule."  My response was "No more than three pets."  Looking like a stumped game-show contestant, J. asked, "Say dat one muhtime?"  Once again, I responded, "No more than three pets.  You know, dogs, cats?"  It took a bit, but the group caught on and roared with laughter, much to J.'s umbrage.  She simply moved on to the next person without giving me a chance to come up with another rule, such as "Your choice of one entree, two vegetables, and one bread" or "There's a two drink minimum," but not before scolding me with that Looseeanna prad accent of hers and a dirty, very dirty look.  This story made its rounds to the other units as well.  I was so happy, and, admittedly, proud, that I could help my new friends laugh again.  I'm was also happy and, moreover, privileged that they allowed me to do so.  And in fairness, J. is a sweet lady who is, indeed, greatly put upon and probably grossly underappreciated, even after a day of wiping up coffee spills in the main lobby (she told us a million times that coffee is to be consumed in the TV room only!)  I might be sorry I said that; if so, really not very much.  I'm pretty sure Lovey didn't laugh, either.  She also had no retort.  Like I said, she's another story altogether.  Not long before I left, she did tell me that I look much older than I am, which I took as a compliment.  She doesn't doesn't look a day older than God herself.

After four days of (not always) crummy food, minimal comfort assuaged by the-right-side-of-ridiculous doses of psychopharmaceuticals, skull-crushing boredom until I learned to play gin rummy, and three bananas, I was approved for discharge.  Although I was eager to get home back to my wife and the comforts of home, part of me had a hard time leaving.  I formed some true life kinships, although I doubt, with some sadness, that I'll ever see any of my fellow patients again.  Perhaps some of them are Shiftless Chef readers.  I hope so, because I'd like to tell them that they, primarily, helped to make what at first looked to be a hellish experience one that changed my life profoundly.  Make no mistake, my dear friends:  although I'm much better than the man who went in, I'm not well yet.  I've merely completed the beginning of my journey.  I've got things to do and people who need me.  That's enough to keep me going for a long time, and I ain't falling that goddamned far any more.

Because meatloaf is NOT more important than therapy.  Chew on that in the meantime.

I'm Mork/
From Ork/
It's gonna get dark!/
Ark Ark Ark!!!

I think that maybe a few more serious words beyond the happy banana are in order.  While writing, it occurred to me that I might take some heat for doing so.  Someone might reply, "It's not in your best interest to publish such intimate details of your life on the Internet, [name changed] Shiftless Chef."  Like so-called decent society might weigh in on some nut with a blog that's supposed to be about food.  And anyway, tough shit:  I am, unequivocally, on the side of righteousness here.  Go fish.

Chew on this, too, if applicable (if not, please understand who this is directed toward):  Have you ever eaten food in a mental health facility?  No? Well thank your lucky stars, Fat Pants.  There.  I'm talking about food again.  I'm going to oblige you some more; however, we're not taking a trip to Central Market, Whole Foods, or even that new fancy pants HEB.  Really, I don't know where we're going because I don't know where this food comes from, and I'm flying high on Ritalin.  Food in a mental hospital is scarcely fit for human consumption.  But so what, right?  "Those poor fools should be lucky they get anything to eat at all.  They're probably all faking it anyway so they don't have do anything but collect benefits so they can sit around on their lazy butts."

Oh, I forgot:  "And do drugs and drink!  Make 'em pee for welfare.  If they test positive, cut them off!  If they test negative, cut their balls off! " 


First, sir or madam, it ain't no picnic being around you, either, listening to your litanies about paying too much in taxes, illegals holding River Oaks under siege, and privatizing all services because big scary government can't get anything right (UPS, after all, has never destroyed a package) and if it was a picnic that you're attending, count me out.  I'll gladly eat mystery meat with real people again before watching you stuff your corpulence with fine Argentine beef.  While I'm on the topic of real people, I suspect you may not know any.  I've known plenty in my lifetime, met plenty more during my stay, and they're the only people I'm keeping around me.  

I want to talk again about my friend who had a successful career before being stricken with a series of unfortunate blows I wouldn't wish on you.  He's somewhere on the street now dragging all his worldly belongings in a plastic sack.  He cried when he received three dress shirts from me and a bottle of body wash from his brother.  He didn't ask for any of the misfortune that befell him.  Hell, maybe some of it was even his fault, but was his mistake so egregious that his just dessert is life on the street?  Are you a Christian?  If so, you'll answer me no.  In fact, if you're a Christian, you need to help someone who's in a similar predicament.  Maybe start by giving a man who doesn't have a shirt one of your spares.  Jesus would.

Now, let's talk about your puerile gun fetish.  Frankly, I don't give two shits whether you own one or a thousand.  Fine with me.  Telling other people what they can and cannot do isn't my style, except to ask to just quit talking to me about your love of them and your love of shooting every living thing short of fellow humans and whales with them.  If you truly believe that anyone should have the right to own and operate a firearm without restriction (that's for sake of argument.  Your argument is tokenly absurd), isn't it in your best interest to ensure that the mentally ill receive help?  Do you want someone with schizophrenia to own and operate a gun?  I've now met several schizophrenics.  They're essentially decent people burdened by what may be medical science's most elusive illness.   

Yes, an illness.  Like a cold.  An elusive illness.  Worse than lung cancer, even.  You can spot that with an X-Ray.  Schizophrenia, seemingly by its nature, doesn't want to be detected so that it can destroy its sufferers with impunity.  Schizophrenia behaves in such a way that it distorts its sufferers' realities.  In extreme cases, a sufferer may develop a Messianic complex (but relax, the Second Coming isn't actually coming for a while yet.)  I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, but the short of it is that you don't want someone with a Messianic complex packing heat.  It's sure to be ugly, and it makes reasonable people think you're a nut.  Mystery meat, sir?  Aww, too tough for you?  You better start chewing now, then.  Let it get stuck in your teeth awhile, long enough so that it hurts.  

One of Mrs. P's groups discussed the misconceptions and prejudices that society holds about the mentally ill.  I wondered why sufferers of mental illness should suffer in hospitals with lousy food and minimal comfort.  On the one hand, it's simple:  mental illness cannot be reliably quantified; therefore, mental illness isn't really an illness.  If its symptoms included a runny nose, I dare say that most cases of mental illness would go the way of polio.  During the course of my close to twenty year history with the disease, mental illness assessments haven't changed much.  Assessment of mental illness relies primarily on the best guesses of both patient and doctor, and as we know, guesses are not always precise.  An exchange along the lines of "How are you feeling today?  Pretty good" are often meaningless.  That lack of precision, and I say this with no hyperbole, can be fatal.  A prolonged "case of the blues" doesn't go away like the common cold.

On the other hand, it's still simple:  "mental illness" doesn't exist; instead, it's a battery of moral defects (sloth is particularly cite-worthy.)  Champions of this point of view might argue that near inhuman hospital conditions could actually prove beneficial.  Consider:  if we placed the so-called "mentally ill" in a dreary environment with little stimuli, lousy food, and minimal comfort [they likely suffer from these conditions at home already, what with the niggardly disability checks they receive each month], they might be more inclined to get off their asses and get jobs.  And you see, the real winner here is the tax payer, who, because of our ingenuity, will no longer contribute to these goldbricks' leisure lifestyles.  It's a modest proposal, mind you, but as we said, consider.

This wasn't my experience.  I heard the phrase "leisure lifestyle" once during my stay, and that came from my doctor, who said that I'm not suited for one.  I agreed.  Evidently, neither was C., the teacher who, for reasons I don't remember but I suspect are job-related stress, lost her job.  Losing a job is catastrophic enough.  Now combine catastrophe, the boredom of being cooped up in your house all day, and the stress of applying for other jobs.  I assure you that that combination is volatile.  In this poor soul's case, so volatile she ended up a methamphetamine addict.  From her arrival to the penultimate day of my departure, she did little more than rock back and forth, huddled in a thin blanket.  I don't ordinarily purport to be anyone's spokesperson, but I think it's safe to say that in her case, she didn't plan for methamphetamine addiction.    

I met a couple of friendly older fellows from the drug dependency unit, K. and _ (I simply don't remember his name.)  They were talking about rock music, so, naturally, I muscled my way into the conversation.  They made some bad decisions, but at the very least, they were willing to get clean and sounded contrite for all the mayhem they caused.  K., in fact, told me that he walked ten miles to receive treatment.  He showed me the frayed cuffs of his jeans to prove it.  _ voiced concerns about finding employment due to his status as a convicted felon (I didn't ask what he did.)  K and _ are perfectly decent men and treated me like an equal and a friend.  Neither expressed an interest in a life of leisure.  They're seeking meaningful work.  If you can fault a man for that, I, as Byron Coley, one of the two great men of American Rock and Roll letters (the other being Richard Meltzer - check 'em out or be a drip) said once, will eat a grape out of your ass.

No, wait -  YOU chew on that grape.  

And how about our status as a society of redemption and forgiveness?  Granting folks a second chance, you might say?  _'s been in the joint, sure, but his crime couldn't have been so bad - he's allowed in free society, where he can suffer in an inadequate drug detoxification facility.  He served his time and paid his debt.  Give the man a second chance, maybe even a third chance.  

You know, sometimes we do believe in third chances. God Bless America.

My fellow patient and friend C, who gave me a hug and some beautiful words of encouragement after a visit from my oldest, dearest, best friend reduced me to a snot-covered mess, was on the phone practically begging for his garbage collection job back because he spent too much timegetting well  in a mental health and detoxification facility.  God Bless America.

Wendy Davis says Texas "dead last" in mental health spending (no fair - it's only MOSTLY true!)  

Cocoa Powder!? GET A ROPE!

I'm really into using rubs on grilled meats lately.  They impart a lot of flavor in a little time and they leave a nice crust behind.  I used to simply leave the meat au naturel when grilling, smoking, or broiling.  What got me into rubs was a recent trip to HEB, where my delightful wife Mercedes and I raided the samples.  We tried some grilled mahi-mahi and were knocked silly by it, so much so that we ponied up for a sack of the stuff.  It was a sample-sized portion of damn fish that did it for me.  You see the irony.

A couple of weeks ago, I smoked a cut of pork that I couldn't name so I'll just call it "chunk of pork."  We ate ourselves brain dead.  Chunk of pork was prepared with a base of olive and canola oils and this garlic paste I don't remember the name of (I'll just call it "garlic paste"), and then rubbed with Kosher salt, coarse pepper, paprika, cayenne, onion flakes, and coffee.  Coffee?  Yes, coffee.  Coffee coffee coffee.  Argue if you'd like, but that was one world class chunk of pork, and we enjoyed it for days to follow in sandwiches and tacos.  


(I also made Carolina-style mustard sauce to accompany chunk of pork.  Further blasphemy!)

I'm off today, so I'm relieving Mercedes' cooking duties, something I don't do much of anymore.  We're having puffy tacos filled with slow-smoked brisket.  I just set that bad boy on the pit for several hours of smoking, but before I did, I, yesiree, rubbed it down.  This time, I prepared the meat with a base of canola oil and soy sauce, and then rubbed it with the following:

• Kosher Salt
• Coarse Pepper
• Homemade Chili Powder
• Garlic Powder
• Coffee.  Yes, coffee
• Unsweetened Cocoa Powder

"Unsweetened cocoa powder" would likely get a man killed at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, but since I'm not stepping foot anywhere near that annual cavalcade of Coca Cola cowboys and collagen-enhanced housewives with cap guns, I'm probably safe.  

We have enough quality kitchen equipment to run a modest-sized restaurant.  My barbecue pit, on the other hand, is not much more than a metal garbage can on wobbly legs with a thermometer.  Sure, I'd love to have one of those cast iron "Texas Hammer" pits that I could cram a whole pig in and haul behind my pickup so I can be an asshole in other Texas towns on weekends; for now, I've got meat in the trash can.  What can I say?  It works.  So well, in fact, that I'll pit my results against any other Weekend Warrior's.

  

As I wrap up this post, the meat's been on for close to an hour, our entire neighborhood is cocking its collective nose toward our backyard and applauding me, and that sack of damn fish is still in the freezer.  

Caldo de Res, aka "Beef Soup," aka "Soup of Champions," aka "The Soup of Love"

After Mercedes and I returned from our honeymoon, we were wrecked.  We had the time of our lives, but driving and a lot of running around, with little time for relaxation, did us in.  Mercedes, bless her heart, felt awful.  She requested soup for dinner, and I obliged.


Ordinarily, I don't get excited about soup night.  Most soups don't provide enough sustenance to leave you satisfied.  You'll just get up later and microwave some nachos or something, which is something I don't recommend.  


In fact, I can take or leave soup.  If it's served as a first course, I'll certainly eat it without complaint, but if it's not, I'm not going to raise a big stink about it.  I'm that much closer to steak, that's how I feel about it.  


When I was growing up in Port Lavaca, Texas, the restaurant I frequented most was El Patio.  As I was leaning into my second enchilada, I would see this old guy at a nearby table eating caldo de res.  On the one hand, I'm destroying this plate of enchiladas so who wants a bowl of soup?  If I wanted a bowl of soup, I would have gone to my grandma's for lunch.  


On the other, this soup had a slab of steak in it, and it looked like the guy was really enjoying it.  He never lifted his head - his mouth stayed poised just above the bowl.  He had a spoon in one hand and a tortilla in the other.  It's arguable that I've never seen someone eat with such focus.  It must be noted that caldo, as it's commonly known, is said to be one of those fabled hangover cures.  Judging by this fella, shit must work.  Why the heck not?  He's got a whole day ahead of him.  Eat a bowl of soup to clear the senses, then lay into another twelve pack.  Seems alright to me.  Salut, old fella!  


That was over half a lifetime ago and now I want to try soup with a slab of steak in it, and I want tortillas and rice with it and so does Mercedes.  I set to work on it Wednesday afternoon.


Like most Tex-Mex dishes, caldo's origins are humble.  It was meant to be easy to make and filling enough so the men could work long days under the unforgiving South Texas sun.  Also, Tex-Mex ranks among one of the more resourceful cuisines.  Upon arrival from Mexico, immigrants had to make do with what was on hand to create reasonable facsimiles of the dishes they enjoyed in Mexico.  For example, their efforts to recreate mole resulted in chili.  


This resourcefulness, combined with impeccable technique (I can't imagine making tortillas without my trusty food processor) and care, yielded a regional cuisine that is as thrilling as it is satisfying.  For me, eating Tex-Mex is an occasion for joy every single time.  The fooderati's consistent besmirching of this cuisine is damn near criminal, if you ask me, and, of course, born of snobbery.  Happily, there are folks such as Robb Walsh who treat it with the reverence it so richly deserves.  If you're anything like me, drop everything and hie it down to El Real, where Tex-Mex receives its due respect.  


Back to the soup.  Like I said, caldo is, typically, a relatively simple preparation. To grossly oversimplify, take a slab of beef, chop up a bunch of vegetables, put it all in a big pot, cover with water, and wait.  A couple of hours of so later and you're in for good eating.  


I took few liberties with the recipe itself.  I reserved my culinary poesy for presentation. Instead of chopping the vegetables into big chunks, I julienned them.  I just like the way julienned vegetables look.  They make soups pretty.  I said it.  Julienned vegetables make soup pretty.  Of course, I couldn't julienne the corn.  Doesn't mean I didn't consider it.  


After letting the steak simmer along with beef broth and tomatoes to let the meat reach a newborn could eat it tenderness, it was time to add the vegetables.  It became evident to me almost immediately that our pot was not going to nearly accommodate everything.  I solved this crisis by simply dragging out another pot.  I was afraid that there was going to be one inferior pot of soup and one kick-ass pot.  I tried to apportion everything equally to avoid this.  I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, but as it turns out, the pot I assumed would yield the inferior soup turned out to be the oh-so slightly more kick-ass pot.  We have gallons of soup left.  We need to buy a bigger pot.  


This soup is not complete without corn tortillas.  Not flour tortillas, and not the package of 1000 corn tortillas that seem like a steal until you want a tortilla later and find them all torn up in the back of your fridge.  No sir, this meal called for homemade corn tortillas.  I've made a few batches now, and I'm spoiled.  


Believe me, you don't have to be a genius to make them.  Having a food processor helps tremendously, but someone more patient than I am can probably mix masa and water in a bowl until proper consistency is achieved.  


After kneading the dough, you roll them out.  Actually, I don't roll them out.  I've tried, and they always wind up looking like some Salvador Dali nightmare creature.  A tortilla press would be helpful, but until we get one, I found some excellent advice on Amazon while doing some window shopping.  In lieu of a press, you can press a ball of dough between two heavy pans.  Take a freezer bag and cut down the sides so that you have one long thick piece of plastic.  Take a heavy pan and and turn it upside down.  Put the plastic on the pan, and then place a ball of dough on one side.  Place the other side of the plastic over the dough ball, and then, with the other pan, press down hard.  You'll likely have to do this several times.  After you've formed the tortilla (you'll be amazed at how round they are!  Heck, I was), peel it off the plastic.  This is probably the most difficult part of the process but after a bit of practice, it becomes almost effortless.  All that's left is to put your tortillas on a hot griddle/in a hot skillet/on a comal and fry them until they look like tortillas.  


Should I just make an instructional video?  Until then, feast your eyes, food lovers:

This was no ordinary bowl of soup.  We ate caldo for two nights, and both nights we ate like Masters of the Universe.  After one bowl (I dumped rice in mine) and tortillas, we were full as ticks.  I've eaten lots of good meals, meals better than this one, but this one will be one embedded into memory.  One thing's for certain:  this is the most soul-satisfying meal I've had had in recent memory.  Undeniably, an atmosphere of good cheer and cooler temperatures heightened the sensation.  Still, and this is the highest praise I can give, I can't imagine having eaten anything else at that time.   


Soup.  YOU figure it out!


Oh yeah, I also had one of these bad boys:

They're cheap at your neighborhood Fiesta grocer.  Nothing else would've done.





  

Jittery Chicken Soup with Olive Tapenade/Feta Appetizers

A Deceptively Beautiful Bowl of Soup

Olive Tapenade/Feta Appetizers

Immediately you're wondering why it's called "jittery chicken soup."  That's answered simply enough:  because the chicken was prepared in the same manner as "Shaking Beef."  Heat the wok until you smoke up the apartment, and then add the chicken.  Sear the chicken - you shake the wok so the chicken jitters.  Jittery chicken.  So that's out of the way.  


I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that I was a bit disappointed in the soup and it's all my fault.  I didn't want to make a soup that was specific to any cuisine, but I wanted to stir fry everything because that method lends depth of flavor to almost anything.  For example, stir frying does wonders for otherwise unremarkable tofu.  Similarly, celery becomes an entirely different vegetable after it's stir fried, like it's almost not a vegetable anymore.  


I figured the stir frying would provide the chief flavor element, so I consciously limited the number of ingredients that went into the soup, partly to make the cooking easier, but also as an experiment.  I did spend an inordinate amount of time with prep because I wanted the soup to look nice.  I julienned zucchini, celery, carrots, and onions.   I also shredded at least a half-head of cabbage with the attention usually reserved for shredding compromising government documents.  "Selling arms to Iran?  What the fuck are you talking about selling arms to Iran?"  Salt and pepper, a package of button mushrooms, three cloves of garlic, a generous sploomp of sriracha, four goddamn cans of chicken broth, a quartered chunk of parmesan cheese, and water rounded out the soup.


The soup was still pretty bland.  Not bad, but definitely lacking.  I suspect that I got too ambitious with the cabbage given the amount of broth we had.  We had close to a half-gallon of broth, which should have been more than enough, but it didn't nearly cover everything once it was added to the pot.  I added two broth cans of water, which surely diluted everything.  I quartered two lemons and squeezed in some of their juice, which usually helps to ramp up whatever latent flavors are there; still, the soup had that "I did the best I could with water, salt, and a bag of cotton balls, and I think I did a damn nice job" aspect about it.  In summation:  pretty good, but ultimately unremarkable.  We won't crave this soup a week from now.  We won't look forward to eating the leftovers, but they'll make a filling enough lunch.


The olive tapenade appetizers, however.  These require some back story.  I've become a real sample prick.  I don't really do it because I want something for nothing, like I'm entitled to free samples because I'm shopping at the store or something; instead, I do it to get dinner ideas.  Good example:  last night, we ate this really simple to make chicken casserole.  I'd craved it since I tried it at HEB, and wanted to eat it again.  The dish consisted of a rotisserie chicken (shredded), cheese, tomatillo/chile sauce, and corn tortillas.  Layer it, throw it in the oven, watch the news, eat.  Shit on a shingle, essentially, but astonishingly, undeniably delicious.  


We'd sampled the olive tapenade appetizers at HEB, too, and I couldn't get them out of my head.  These were brain dead simple to make:  melt butter, add olive oil to butter, spread on ciabatta, and put in the oven.  Mix olive tapenade and feta cheese (plaudits again to Phoenicia - best feta I've ever eaten).  Allow bread to brown, take it out of the oven, let it cool, spread olive/feta schmeer on it, devour lustily.  Mercedes made these, and honest-to-Joe they were the business.  Ciabatta, olives, feta - someone in Greece is making ranch on this combination as I write. I could, and maybe should, have eaten just these for dinner.  


There's still a Glad bowlful of the chicken/cabbage combination in the fridge.  I'm not sure I want to make soup out of the leftovers, but they'll make some fuggin' good egg rolls maybe.  How about I make some egg rolls out of that chicken/cabbage mix in the fridge?  Yeah!?!?  Okey-doke.  


We should finish the soup first?  


Shit.


Is there any of that bread left?

Bo Luc Lac, aka "Shaking Beef," aka "Garlic Beef"

This past Saturday, we were kinda strapped for dinner.  We'd gone to the store, but by the time we got back, it was late and no one was in the mood for cooking.  It seemed like we'd exhausted all options until Mercedes mentioned pho.  Heck, why not Mai's?  


Mai's burned down a while back, and to be honest, I wasn't really broken up about it.  "Back in the day," it was a cool place to go at 2 in the morning to eat noodles.  In the interim between "the day" and when Mai's burned down, midtown's demographic changed.  You went to Mai's at 2 in the morning and you were eating noodles alongside the the Ed Hardy/boom-boom crowd, for whom yelling into their cell phones still represents some act of defiant prestige, who'd muscled its way in after leaving the cluuuuuuuuuub.  All they talked about was the cluuuuuuuuuub and how drunk they were.  Also, the wait staff got older and surlier.  You'd ask for a water refill and some gargoyle would return with a pitcher, dump water and ice in your glass with such violence that it sounded like a meteor crashing into the Astrodome, and leave it teetering on the table, a smile never creasing his face.  It doesn't seem like mere coincidence that the food became strictly pro forma as well.  I just quit going after a while.  


None of that explains our excitement about returning to Mai's.  For better or worse, Mai's was an institution of sorts, so maybe we had an obligation.  It occupies the same spot on Milam that it did when I started going there.  Other than that, the place was hardly recognizable.  The host greeted us very warmly, and seated us immediately (the restaurant was three-quarters full or so; then again, it was around 9:30.  Mai's doesn't see much action until after midnight.)  Upon entering, we noticed a new addition:  a full-service bar, which lends a welcome touch of class to the joint, which surely has to be a first.  The ambience has changed quite a bit, too.  You no longer feel like you're eating with hot spotlights trained on you.  The sheer whiteness, and I'm going to steal a phrase from Tobias Wolfe here, was "eye-frying."  Subdued hues of green and tasteful wood molding create the ambience now.  It's damn near romantic.  


I'd planned to get my usual:  a vermicelli bowl with grilled pork and Vietnamese egg rolls, very satisfying for around six bucks.  Before ordering, however, I espied a family (family?  At Mai's?) to my right.  The wife ordered a colorful, attractive dish that, indeed, got my attention.  I wasn't sure whether it's gauche to approach a stranger, poke her on the shoulder, and ask what she's eating.  It seemed to me Larry David like.  


As luck would have it, our waiter arrived while I wondered what the woman was eating, so I asked him.  Garlic chicken, which sounds pretty prosaic, maybe like something you could get at Panda Express.  The husband piped up and said, "The garlic beef is good too."  What is it about beef that elevates a dish to poetry?  I looked at the menu, and the description for garlic beef reads more-or-less thus:  "Beef marinated to perfection, with vegetables..."  I wasn't sure how to interpret that.  "Perfect beef ruined by vegetables?"  Facetiae aside, it sounded like a winner, so I ordered that.


Man.  Oh.  Man.  They weren't kidding.  The meat was among the most succulent I've ever eaten - dentures-tender yet beautiful charred, redolent with garlic, what tasted like white wine, balanced by salty/sour/sweet elements.  I chewed the last morsel as long as I could, which is really saying something because I usually eat so fast that I've been accused of not chewing anything as much as ramming fistfuls of food straight into my stomach.  


The meat rested atop a lovely presentation of leaf lettuce, tomatoes, red bell pepper, and garlic slivers.  Unwittingly, I'd ordered a beef salad.  Don't get me wrong:  getting me to eat salad is not like embedding medicine in dog food to get the dog to take it.  I like salad, and probably more than the next guy; however, I demand meat.  I'm a confirmed meat-eater.  Not in some Ted Nugent, mow-every-animal-down-in-sight-with-automatic-weapons-and-take-out-the-ones-you-can't-see-with-napalm way, but I enjoy meat with all the alacrity of the Nuge and then some.  I swear I'm not going to come over and ask if I can grill and eat your cat.


Meat and salad makes for a fine combination.  The meat juices permeate the vegetables and wilt the lettuce just so, creating a heavenly medley of taste, color, and texture.  It's one of the most complete, satisfying dishes I've eaten in a while.  I knew I'd have to replicate it at home.


During our trip to the store, we got two-and-a-half pounds of flank steak, which were intended for tacos.  I decided instead to use it for the garlic beef.  Flank steak is ideal for this type of dish.  It's relatively thin and slices on the bias well.  Bias slicing creates more surface area, thus more surface for coveted caramelization.  Also, flank steak's striations lend it what's called in the biz more satisfying "mouth feel" - tender, but you still have to work at it.  


I cut the steak, put it in a freezer bag, and added the marinade.  The marinade consisted of five or six cloves of garlic, which I crushed using a garlic press, several generous squirts of fish sauce, several liberal bloob-bloobs of soy sauce, and sugar and honey.  The idea is tangy/sweet/salty.  After I'd poured the marinade over the meat, I worked it in with my hands.  I suppose I could have sealed the bag and turned it end-over-end a few times instead, but I wanted to ensure that the marinade was good and worked in.  I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty, and yes mom, I washed them before AND after.


I also wanted rice, so I soaked jasmine rice in a pot with tap water.  Okay, wow, ancient Chinese secret, but this really works wonders.  Soaking jasmine rice makes cooking it virtually effortless.  After it's soaked for a couple of hours or slightly more, drain it, return it to the pot, add a little less than double the water (eyeball it), and bring it to a vigorous boil.  Let it boil for a minute or so, and then put the top on the pot and remove the rice from the heat.  That's it, perfect rice!  Ancient Chinese secret, huh?


Truly, if you prep properly, and it doesn't take a heck of a lot of prep, garlic beef is one of the easiest, most efficient meals you could hope to make.  The pot for the rice and a wok or deep skillet for the rest.  Two big pans that wash easily after use.  


The most difficult part of cooking the dish is charring the beef properly.  I ran into a bit of trouble with this from the get-go.  I cranked the wok up full-blast and then added the beef, yet it seemed like it wasn't browning at all, just swimming in circles in its own juices.  I removed the meat from the wok and consulted the recipe again.  Let wok heat to smoking.  Bingo!  I rinsed the wok, added two tablespoons or so of canola oil, let the wok smoke up, and then added the beef.  This time, the meat charred dutifully.  


Once again, I had a hit on my hands.  Garlic beef was such a big hit, in fact, that my plans to have it again tonight were foiled because we polished it all off.  I guess tonight's taco night.  


Afterward, I had cantaloupe for dessert.  I like fruit, maybe not quite as much as the next guy, but I like it.  I just don't eat it often.  The reason is simple:  I prefer savory snacks.  If I had the choice between cantaloupe and, say, hummus, I'm gon' tear up the hummus.  I'll eat the odd apple or orange slice if it's given to me, but I'll usually pass on the cantaloupe.  I like cantaloupe fine, definitely not like the next guy, but I like it fine.  


This cantaloupe was different. On the way home, the 'lope's perfume dug deep into the car seats and stayed there, more potent than a pine tree rear view mirror car freshener.  Mercedes said that it smelled like strawberries, and I agree with her.  Every time you'd open the fridge, the cantaloupe greeted you.  It was itching to be split open.  Last night was the night.  Mercedes cut it and cubed it.  The cubes were bright, almost glowing, no shit, and consistent in color and texture.  It looked like a bowl full of cheese.  Here it is:

Mercedes put these next to me as I was watching TV.  I kept digging my hands in and shoving the pieces in my mouth like I was eating meatballs.  


This is but one among a million or more reasons I love Mercedes.